Friday, July 13, 2007

Lost Dreams

Half a year ago my life was all lined up. It seemed nothing could go wrong. I had a career and family planned and everything was on target - except for a tumor that had been growing quietly in my head for a few months. In a very short time my life changed completely. It has taken me six months to realize just how completely it has changed. All along my goal has been to go back to school. First I thought I would be able to go back the next quarter. The surgeons seemed confident that they could remove the tumor with minimal collateral damage. Apparently they were wrong. I don't blame anyone for how it turned out. I'm sure the doctors did the best they could. Sometimes things just go wrong, and it seems no one has any clue what went wrong in my case. One would think that would bother me: I'm one of those people who is constantly asking "why," but somehow it doesn't bother me much.

Very soon it became apparent that I would not be returning to school this year. So I had a new goal: go back the following Fall. It seemed like a reasonable goal, for a long time I never even considered the possibility that it might not be. Now I'm not so sure. It may still be an option, but I don't really know anymore and I'm running out of time. My goal all along has been to return to school at some point, but that is looking increasingly unlikely. If I can't go back to school, I will have to find other goals. I can't live without goals. But so far I can't think of any other goals. I guess my goal for now will have to be to find new goals. That's not a very satisfying goal but it will have to do.


Anonymous said...

I believe in you and your goals Joshua. I am thinking about you and also praying for you. I really admire you and everything that you have taught me. You are someone that came into my life like an angle, showing me what life really is and I appreciate that and have a lot of respect for you and so does all my friends that I have talked to about you.

Good Luck in everything and take care,


Anonymous said...

Never give up. Sometimes life really sucks, and there are few cases I can think of that suck worse than the nasty surprise you got, but there is always hope and sheer human stubbornness.

Given your intelligence I'd think you'd want to fight your way back to full capability and dive into biochemistry and neuroscience and figure out something to fight back. One hell of a goal but at least you can put up a fight. I can only imagine your rage at what's happened to you - let that rage sustain your fight. If you need help then remember you have a lot of intelligent friends that are willing to put their brain power into your cause too.

You don't have to stop being who you are. You've always been one of the smartest people I know and at times incredibly stubborn. Make staying that way your goal.

Ellen said...

Hey Josh--I wrote your mom this morning and I may be able to help you out. I'm old enough to be your mom I think (I dunno, I have 3 kids of my own, 25, 23 and 21 {almost}). I have an apartment very near campus, only thing that might be a hitch is its a second floor apartment and I don't know how ambulatory you are. Granted, I have way too much stuff, but I've been wanted to pare down anyway. I am out in the field this week, in Ventura (tough gig, but someone has to do it ;)). You can call me (I'll send your mom my phone number). It'd be about 10 days before I could get you in, but before school starts.

Hope it works out, Ellen.