Friday, June 24, 2011

Life And Death And All Inbetween

I've been having an especially hard time writing and speaking, for reasons I'll describe below.  I won't spellceck this to document my condition.  But I am writing this with a program called Dasher that makes it much easier to write.  It trys to predict what I'm most likely to type and presents it to me with the most probable things bigger, and then I “steer” with my mouse.  I've attaced screenshots of me writing this parigraph.  But even with this tool it is difficult and I often have to stop and try to find even the beginning of what I want to write, so this text doesn't even begin to show the trouble I have, and it doesn't show where I've made mistakes and just couldn't resist the temptation to fix them.

I had my routine six week MRI and all look good.  But the past few weeks have been difficult for me.  I've been getting more boils on my skin (bacterial infectons of my skin) and they have become resistant to the usual anti-biotics so I've got a more powerful one now but it has problems.  One of which is that I have to get up in the middle of the night to take a dose and I can't lay down for a while after taking it.  Also my sodium is dagerously low, making my whole nervous system have even more trouble than it already has.  Apparently that's not to uncomon for peapole with brain disseas.  The Dr. whold put me on sodiom pills but I have dangerously high blood pressure from the avastin.  So I'm sopposed to drink less fluids.  But the I'm supposed to increase my fluid intake for the anti-biotic I'm on now!

My low soduim makes my muscles week and my tremors worse, hard to think, speak or write.  It's times like this that I think maybe for me the end is coming soon.  It very well may be that it won't be the cancer, but one of it's complications that will take me.  Or the end will trick me agian and come another day.  I just don't know which day.  But I want you to know, as much as possible, I don't want that day to be a sad day.  Death is a part of life, and just because I will die young doesn't mean I didn't live a full life.  I feel if I die tomorrow, I'll have lived a fuller life than most, and I'll finally be able to rest knowing that I did what I could.  Celebrate life in it's entirety.

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