Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Graduating

I've always been lazy, but at the same time determined to do things the hard way. I've been very motivated and not so much, with little correlation with whether I wanted to do something. This is my curse. People tell me how brilliant and inspiring I am. Why can't I be that inspiring to myself?


I made it a point not to graduate from high school and then go to college. I went to a wonderful community college and put off graduating for as long as I could. Then I went to the University and again put off graduating as long as I could. Then I went to grad school in math and didn't get a chance to put off graduating. At the end of my first term I found out that I had terminal brain cancer. Most of the tumor was removed, but eventually it will grow back. After my surgery, I was unable to speak or write and was paralyzed on my right side. After much therapy and hard work, I partially regained my abilities. All through therapy I did things the hard way, and it payed off. Then they told me I had graduated from therapy. I hate when that happens.



I went back to school thinking I'd die before I would have to graduate. About one school year later my heath caught up with me. But that was alright, I got to go back to therapy. And then I graduated again. I can't go back to school this time, so that has left me searching for something else to put off graduating. I guess there is life, but I don't want to live out the rest of my life with nothing else.


For the past year and a half or so, I have been having lots of trouble with motivation and initiative. I find myself frustrated at the end of days after having realized how little I have done in that day. I want to do things, but it just doesn't happen. I've realized that I get that way between things I'm putting off graduating from, and I'm very afraid I won't find something else this time.


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