I've always been lazy, but at the same time determined to do things the hard way. I've been very motivated and not so much, with little correlation with whether I wanted to do something. This is my curse. People tell me how brilliant and inspiring I am. Why can't I be that inspiring to myself?
I made it a point not to graduate from high school and then go to college. I went to a wonderful community college and put off graduating for as long as I could. Then I went to the University and again put off graduating as long as I could. Then I went to grad school in math and didn't get a chance to put off graduating. At the end of my first term I found out that I had terminal brain cancer. Most of the tumor was removed, but eventually it will grow back. After my surgery, I was unable to speak or write and was paralyzed on my right side. After much therapy and hard work, I partially regained my abilities. All through therapy I did things the hard way, and it payed off. Then they told me I had graduated from therapy. I hate when that happens.
I went back to school thinking I'd die before I would have to graduate. About one school year later my heath caught up with me. But that was alright, I got to go back to therapy. And then I graduated again. I can't go back to school this time, so that has left me searching for something else to put off graduating. I guess there is life, but I don't want to live out the rest of my life with nothing else.
For the past year and a half or so, I have been having lots of trouble with motivation and initiative. I find myself frustrated at the end of days after having realized how little I have done in that day. I want to do things, but it just doesn't happen. I've realized that I get that way between things I'm putting off graduating from, and I'm very afraid I won't find something else this time.